\u201cCounting to 3 and threatening to take my kids home from the park is the only way they will stop bickering and listen to me. It\u2019s infuriating!\u201d<\/em><\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\nThese comments, thoughts, and actions are so common \u2013 and natural! They are impulse reactions and sometimes on those really bad days, it\u2019s the only thing you can think to do. However, it is likely not the image you had of yourself as a loving parent.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
AND the most difficult part is… You want to do it differently, BUT you simply don\u2019t know how. <\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\nDon\u2019t worry \u2013 there\u2019s good news! <\/strong>????<\/h3>\n\n\n\nThere are a number of ways to get your child to cooperate, without using the old-school methods of punishment like shouting and putting them in a time-out. At Howtotalk, we believe there is no place for these types of punishment in a caring relationship \u2013 however, we do also believe that a child should experience the consequences of their bad behavior. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So \u2013 What now? <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\nLet\u2019s quickly explore WHY our standard methods of punishment don\u2019t work \u2013 and then we will dive into our practical tips to respectfully invite your child to cooperate without punishment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Punishment doesn\u2019t work for two reasons. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u25b6\ufe0f Punishment is a distraction from bad behavior. Instead of your child reflecting on how to do things right or differently in the future, they might start thinking of strategic ways to continue doing it or they might judge themselves harshly. Look back on your own childhood. Can you remember a time you were either yelled at or scolded for something? Did it feel something like this\u2026\u00a0
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
- \u201cI remember thinking, \u2018Mom is so mean. I\u2019ll show her! I\u2019ll just do it again and make sure she doesn\u2019t find out. Ha!\u2019\u201d<\/em>
<\/li>- \u201cI hated my Dad and thought he was such a jerk sometimes. But whenever I thought this, I would start feeling guilty because he\u2019s my dad.\u201d<\/em>
<\/li>- \u201cSometimes I thought, oh wow! I am such a bad person. I guess I deserve this punishment.\u201d<\/em><\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n
These reactions and responses to punishment are obviously quite advanced, and a toddler won\u2019t have the emotional depth to think things through like this. However, it is proven that over time certain types of punishment can have a lasting effect on a child.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u25b6\ufe0f Punishment is fear-based. It works in the moment but isn\u2019t a lasting solution to a problem. For example, your child might stop throwing blueberries on the floor in the moment, however, 10 minutes later they\u2019re at it again! (We know \u2013 this phase STINKS!!)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The Howtotalk method removes this fear-based punishment from getting your child to cooperate and instead focuses on discipline \u2013 which actually means to teach<\/em>, rather than to punish<\/em>. Ideally, you\u00a0 teach your child how to behave and continue doing the wanted behavior (i.e. not throwing blueberries) \u2013 rather than punishing your child for doing the unwanted behavior (i.e. throwing those little stain-makers!)<\/p>\n\n\n\n\u201cTime-out\u201d VS \u201cTime-with\u201d
<\/strong><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\nExperiencing consequences is a natural result of a child’s behavior. Let\u2019s look at the popular \u201ctime-out\u201d method as an example. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The \u201ctime-out\u201d method is where a child is set aside for a while so they can calm down and relax away from a certain situation. However, this solution actually ignores the underlying problem. Your misbehaving child doesn\u2019t need to be sent away but rather stopped and corrected.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
What your child actually needs is \u201ctime-with\u201d a caring adult. A parent who helps them process their feelings and emotions while helping them find a better way to deal with them. Your child will no longer feel like the bad person who is sent away, but like a responsible person who can deal with their own emotions in various ways. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So, instead of a \u201ctime-out\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n\u201cSebastian, don’t hit your sister! No, that\u2019s it! I told you to stop. You\u2019re going to sit over here until you calm down.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Try \u201ctime-with\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n“It’s not easy when you\u2019re sister keeps pulling on you. Today it made you so mad that you hit her. I will not allow my children to hit each other. We’re going to make a list of things you can do if she bothers you while you draw.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Step-by-Step Alternatives to Punishment<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\nThe following is a step-by-step guide for alternatives to punishment. Especially in situations where we are unsure what to do, this approach is exceptionally helpful and immediately applicable. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
We will use the example of Jasper, an energetic child, who misbehaves at the grocery store.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n- Express your disapproval, without attacking your child\u2019s character.<\/strong> This sounds like, \u201cI don\u2019t like this. When children run down the aisles in the supermarket, it disturbs the other shoppers.
<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n- State your expectations.<\/strong> \u201cI expect you to walk calmly and stay with the cart.\u201d
<\/li>- Explain how your child can\/should improve<\/strong>. \u201cRunning is for outside and walking is for inside. Can you walk over and pick out three lemons for us?\u201d
<\/li>- Give a choice.<\/strong> \u201cJasper, please stop running. Would you like to walk next to me or sit in the cart? Your choice.\u201d
<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\nIf the child continues\u2026<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\nTake action.<\/strong> [Put Jasper in the cart quietly.] \u201cYou chose to sit in the cart.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\nLet your child experience the consequences of their behavior. <\/strong>Suppose Jasper continues to misbehave and you\u2019re forced to leave the store. The next day, without preaching or moralizing, let Jasper experience the consequences. For example:<\/p>\n\n\n\n“Mom, where are you going?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cTo the grocery store.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cCan I come with you?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Today, you will stay with Daddy.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Why do you think?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Because I ran around the store yesterday.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cGood guess.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I won’t do it again, I promise! Please, please, please can I come?!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThere will be plenty of times to come in the future. I\u2019ll go by myself today.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When you share, the Howtotalk community grows<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\nWe\u2019d love to hear from you!
Did you try our step-by-step approach or do have any disciplining-specific questions? Head over to the Howtotalk app and click on the Q&A feature to check out questions and comments that, other parents like yourself, have on this topic \u2013 and many more!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We know this work is difficult and children can really test your limits, patience, and emotional capacity. You\u2019ve got this.
Happy parenting!\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Usually, they are cries of frustration from parents who are lost and confused about what to do or how to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":19376,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[35,1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-19370","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-0-12-weeks","category-3-6-months"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n
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